Words in the Heroes' Tongue

...I would make it a death penalty offence to write 'with baited breath' in a fanfic.

From an author’s reply to a review at ‘Twisting the Hellmouth’:

I admit not being the greatest fan of slash generally speaking. However cannon slash I can deal with.

This, I presume, must refer to ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ fic dealing with the forbidden love between the port and starboard 12-pounders?

From a Lord of the Rings fanfic that I've just read at the Pit of Voles:

Alyssa jumped up wide awake her dagger, which she had placed under her pillow, drawn when she heard it; The Screeching whale of the Nazgul...

This is, presumably, from the version of Lord of the Rings where the Council of Elrond decides that the Fellowship shall include Legolas, representing the Elves, Gimli son of Glóin, representing the Dwarves, and Queequeg, representing the Harpooners.

Call me Ishmael Baggins...

Bloody Lisa Smedman! I had meant to use a canon Forgotten Realms character as the protagonist of my forthcoming FR/LotR crossover – but I’ve just discovered that Lisa killed her off in a book that I hadn’t read. The Wombat suggested that I just keep her alive and make it an AU – but the plot of the story revolves around characters fleeing from the terrible things that Lisa has done to the Realms; if I was going to say that Iljrene hasn’t died then I might as well go all the way and say that Vhaeraun, Eilistraee, and Qilué haven’t died either – making the whole thing pretty pointless. Anyway, Tabula Avatar is the fix-it fic for the Realms. The new one, Les Morts Dansant, is an ‘everything’s totally buggered’ fic. In a way it’s even better for the plot that Iljrene is dead too, I suppose, although I’m not happy about the ease with which one of Lisa’s Mary Sues slew someone who is, in a previous book, described (by a 17th-level paladin!) as ‘the most dangerous battlemaster I have ever laid eyes on in all Toril’.

It means that I’ve had to replace Iljrene with an OC, someone who would have been ‘third drow soldier from the left’ in the battle scenes of the canon books, promoted into the vacancy when Iljrene died. Then I’ve had to spend hours rewriting the fic. Yes, Search-and-Replace dealt with the name, but not with the descriptions of the (very distinctive) character who had been supposed to fill the role. I really didn’t want it to be OC-centric but, as it turns out, no-one suitable from the named canon characters survived the bloodbath Lisa inflicted upon the Protectors of the Song.

Still, at least the secondary protagonist on the Drow side is Cierre, who has acquired something of a following since she appeared in ‘Debt of Blood’. This isn’t quite the same Cierre, as she never met Jack O’Neill, but her essential personality is the same. And, on the LotR side, there are the ever-popular Éomer and Lothíriel, Legolas and Gimli, and a supporting cast of Rohirrim and Haradrim.

My trademark Gimli/Galadriel sex scenes will not feature in this fic, alas; it's deadly serious. There's some light-hearted Éomer/Lothíriel interaction, yes, but only one (cunningly hidden) joke in the whole of the first chapter.

And there will be blood.

After the longest break from fic-writing since I came to LJ (due to the World Cup being followed by getting ready for the writerconuk event) I'm writing again and the story I'm busy with is 'A Plague of Serpents'. I've reached the point where the male protagonist, the ranger Kelleth, acquires his Animal Companion - a male leopard. I can't think of a good name (Chantry suggests 'Spot' but that's just her being typically bloody awkward, the Wombat suggests 'Kitty' but that's just her being...) and so far the NWN2 built-in Random Animal Companion Name Generator hasn't come up with anything I like. Anyone have any suggestions?

[Poll #1605781]

I’ve just returned from the 2010 WriterCon UK event at Coventry. It was immensely enjoyable and gentlemen (and women) in England now a-bed should think themselves accursed they were not there. Well worth the 9-hour journey each way. Anyone, from any fandom, who enjoys good company and has a sense of humour should definitely consider attending next year’s event – which will be held in the same place.

I was, appropriately, one of the speakers. I had given presentations at two of the previous three writerconuk events but, because I was working from very sketchy notes and improvising as I went along, I didn’t manage to reproduce them in post form afterwards. This time I was better prepared, with a detailed script, and so I present a transcript here for everyone to read (also posted, with a slightly different preamble, at the writerconuk community).

( Writing Original Characters readers don’t hate )

'Twisting the Hellmouth' is currently being spammed with stories by a co-writing pair of obsessive Xander fans. They specialise in stories in which those who have not treated Xander with the respect that he deserves meet horrible fates. In one of them Willow is tortured to death by Angelus and it is obvious that the writer regards this as appropriate punishment for her failing to back Xander up in a dispute, with Buffy, over how to deal with Angelus. One of the writers also is obsessed with pairing Xander up with Jenny Calendar - can I be blind now?

None of that is all that unusual and I wouldn't have bothered mentioning them on those grounds. I have, however, been reading the reviews (I gave up on the actual stories very quickly), trying to work out what kind of people actually like that sort of fic, and I saw a couple of people picking up one of them on a glaring error.

He has Xander and Faith drive from Boston to California in 8 hours.

It's three thousand miles. Lewis Hamilton, in a Bugatti Veyron, with the roads closed to other traffic, would still be a thousand miles short at the end of 8 hours (even without allowing for the multiple refuelling stops that would be required, and assuming that he's been catheterised).

The author, in his reply to the first reviewer to point this out, says 'I do not live in america and so do not know how far boston is from california.' Dude. Please. Boston, East coast. California, West coast. The USA, pretty damn big. It should be blatantly obvious that you're not going to drive it in 8 hours. Google the distance. It's not rocket science.

Although rocket science is probably the only way of getting a car from Boston to Sunnydale in 8 hours.

Spamming slightly – it’s not even 5 hours since I posted my drabble Burial Detail – but I just had to bring this to your attention.

Continuing to browse the BtVS stories at the Pit of Voles I stumbled upon a (mediocre) story for which this was the summary:

After the fall of Sunnydale, Buffy tries to kelp Xander cope with the loss of loved ones.

And it wasn’t even an all-penguin AU.

I'm not sure whether to be pleased or to be annoyed about the current spate of discussions of the Mary Sue issue on LJ.

I will be doing a talk at this year's WriterCon UK on the subject of 'Writing Original Characters readers don't hate'. Some of the recent posts have included points that may be of use to me; on the other hand if the issue is too widely discussed it may make my planned talk superfluous.

So far no-one has come up with anything that duplicates the core principle that I will be putting forward but it can only be a matter of time.

In ‘Tabula Avatar’ I’ve been examining some of the big questions in life. Does memory equal self? If the world had been created last Tuesday, complete with memories, fossils, and all the internal evidence to show that it had existed for 4.7 billion years, how would we know? And, the currently relevant question, how come those who start wars get to be regarded as the good guys?

Shar didn’t start the War of Light and Darkness. Selûne did.

The Drow didn’t start the Crown Wars. The Vyshaantar clan of Sun Elves did. Unfortunately the Court of Enquiry which cleared the Drow didn’t sit until 800 years after the Drow had been forced into the Descent. The Vyshaantari got away with it for 5,500 years before eventually being punished – a feat Radovan Karadžić would no doubt love to emulate.

All completely unfair and unjust. But at least there was never any prospect of the evil megalomaniac Ivosaar Vyshaan becoming the first President of the European Union.